Falling apart.

 Dear Lord,

When your heart is broken, you plant seeds in the cracks and you pray for rain. ~Andrea Gibson

My only crime is loving him. It's all I have ever done. At his worst and at his best. Choosing him. Standing by him. Praying for him. Supporting him. Nomatter what the world had to say. I guess it wasn’t enough. I wasn’t enough. He didn't even try to know my heart. All he ever did was talk at me and not to me. All he ever did was laugh at me and not with me. All he ever did was force himself on me. Sweat. Cum. And forget about me. All he ever did was make me doubt my choices. Doubt me. All he ever did was take, even if I had nothing more to give. All he ever did was make me feel like I am not enough, not pretty enough, not talented enough, not wise enough. Lord, it's funny how I thought he was the one. I remember the way my heart beat as it were going to rip my chest the first time I laid my eyes on him. Well, look where that got me. On my knees, crying, trying to knit my heart back together with this prayer. How did I allow myself to try so hard to grab hold of running water? Going the extra mile knowing fully well I'll  only be disappointed. How did I let myself build him, when he was breaking me? How did I allow myself to be blinded by love? How did I allow myself to fall into the whole 'my biological clock is ticking' mantra? How did I let my world revolve around him? Lord, I really need an embrace from heaven as I try let go of all this pain. Crying myself to sleep hurts. Forcing myself not to dial his number each time I reach for my phone hurts. The thought of him with another woman breaks my heart. All he ever does now is simply stare and smile as I cry my eyes out. Whoever said actions speak louder than words was right. As a matter of fact I have to get rid of this picture by my bedside. He can't be the first thing I see in the morning and the last before I close my eyes. Maybe that's why I always find him in my dreams. Looming around like the Reaper. Love was and is not supposed to hurt like this. I don't know why letting go is so hard when I know holding on will only burn me. Lord, help me to forgive him. Help me forgive myself. It's been so hard for me ukukuthemba ngeskhathi kungathembisi. I've been so angry at you for letting me go through all this. I failed to count it all joy as I went through this trial. But Lord, I know that even if I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, even when people fail me, you are always right beside me with your unwavering love. Heal my broken heart. In Jesus's name,

Amen.

“1 John 2:19 They went out from us, but they were not of us; for if they had been of us, they would no doubt have continued with us: but they went out, that they might be made manifest that they were not all of us."