Whirlwinds.

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 Dear Lord,

I haven't been living. I haven't watched the sun set for a while now. You know how it casts a glow of flaming amber over the horizon. Beauty. Breath grabbing beauty as someone close to my heart usually puts it. I haven't been writing. I haven't felt like it for a while now. Yet it is my escape. A place where I am liberated. Where I can serve medium rare steaks in a world that prefers minced meat. I haven't sipped  on chilled rosé for a while now. I haven't allowed myself to appreciate the sparkling red that smells divine and seduces my taste buds with every swirl around my tongue. I haven't listened to Steffany Gretzinger sing for a while now. She has a way of taking me on a first class ride to the next realm. A taste of Heaven.  I haven't told him I love him for a while now. Yet he is everything I have ever wanted in a man and more. I keep on pushing and kicking him away when all I need from him is a tight embrace. I have been taking every blow life has to offer for a while now. The have your nose breaking, teeth falling, eye blackening, ears buzzing kind of punches. “Suuurprise surprise!" Life singed, “I have a gun too!" it said dancing and waving it in the air.  I have been shot at a lot for a while now. I wasn't taught how to load. Aim. Fire. I wasn't taught how to hit back. Hit back hard at a bullet. How to run. Run fast from a bullet. Yes. I used to think there was rules to this game. Picnics by the green pastures and still waters. Letting your haters eat at your table, watching your cup overflow. I realise now I am too imperfectly human. I might have missed it in the fine print. The part about walking in the valley of the shadow of death. Who would have thought death has a shadow? A shadow that has been casting a pitch black darkness over my life for a while now. I cannot stand. I cannot crawl. All I have been doing is lie here for a while now. With no light. No hope. No faith. No love. Numb. Lifeless. 

“When my heart is overwhelmed, lead me to the Rock that is higher than I.”


Are you watching me from emazulwini as I try so hard to remain sane? I am weary. I have utterly fallen. Ngikhathele. Show yourself as God and turn my life around. I know you give power to the faint and to them that have no might you increase their strength.  Because I choose to wait upon you today, I know you will renew my strength and light up my path oh Father of lights. I will mount up with wings as eagles. I will run and not be weary. I will walk and not faint. I will prosper, be in good health even as my soul prospers. Above all, teach me to hide under the shadow of your wings when life fires it's bullets. I desire to reflect on my life and be able to say I have fought a good fight of faith for a long while. In Jesus's name I pray,

Amen.



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