Questions?

 Dear Lord,

Here I am watching the cold droplets of water kiss my skin as I still myself underneath the shower head. If only the water could wash away my guilty conscience. Deeply cleanse my soul. If only I could forget how great it tasted. Stolen berries. Dark berries. Juicy berries. If only I could forget how good it felt. The cuddles. The kisses underneath those expensive white sheets. If only I could forget how brand new the crisp hundred dollar notes smelt. Bills for the next six months taken care of. If only I could forget the look on her face when she walked in on us. Her first love. And probably her last. That is if she remembers her promise despite the hurt. Despite the defiled marriage bed. A vow to let only death do them part. If only I could forgive myself for the ruin I have caused. I have used him. I have used me. I have made a mistake. I have sinned and fallen short of your glory God. If only I could bring myself to answer the question she asked. Let alone forget it. The one question that put my world to a stop. Literally everything, even the hands on the clock seemed to hesitate moving. The one question that made me actually start to question my very own essence. When I think about it, it's not really the question that put my world to a stand still, rather the person who asked it. If it was not her I would have simply laughed at the face of that question, ridicule it without even wasting a second. But yes. The woman who carried me for nine months in her womb, the woman whose heartbeat made me feel safe, the woman who nurtured me into the woman I am today, the woman who taught me to dream in colour and never settle for less, the woman who taught me ubuntu lembeko. Yes I hurt her. But dragging my mother into it? Come to think of it it was not one but two questions. Two bullets that were shot straight to my heart. Lord, I am praying this prayer because I don't know how to feel. How to take this. How to right my wrongs.

Bullet number one and two. Is this the path you have chosen mntanami? Is this the woman you have become? 

“A bird sitting on a tree is never afraid of the branch breaking because her trust is not on the branch but on her own wings and it's creator." ~Unknown

Lord, I confess that I am a sinner. A sinner who continually puffs smoke on your face. I pray that you cleanse me as I believe that Jesus Christ died for me on the cross and was raised for my justification. I know you have good plans for my life. I know I do not have to sell my soul to the devil. I do not have to sell my body for food and a roof over my head. I am not that woman. And you are not that God who will let me down. You are idwala lami laphakade. Teach me ukucatsha njalo kuwe. To taste and see how good you are. I thank you for this new chapter in my life. A chapter where I get to work with my hands and taste your sweetness oh Lord. A chapter with no more broken homes and scorned women. A chapter where I value my body, the temple, in Jesus's name I pray,

Amen.