The struggle is real.

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 Dear Lord,

I haven't cried this much for a long while now. Nose blocked. Gasping for air. Pillow dripping wet. Feel like throwing up. Head pounding kind of sobbing. Lord, I have been having a terrible time. I didn't even know how to say it in a prayer. I didn't even know how to sing it in a song. I didn't even know how to write it in a journal. Because thinking about it makes me sick all over again. Because thinking about it makes me feel all alone. Because thinking about it makes me build my walls higher. Because thinking about it makes me question you.

I have been struggling to accept that people see the world using different sets of eyes. Or choose not to look but to carry the longest walking canes. I have been struggling to accept that if I find myself associating with friends with questionable habits and behaviors maybe I need to do a self-assessment on who I am. On what I stand for. On where I am headed. I have been struggling to accept that the people I love the most might not see me for who I am. They might never do. I have been struggling to treat them how I would like to be treated in turn, after all the hurtful words they said. I thought they had my back. I thought they got me. I thought wrong. I have been struggling to take that leap of faith because I am afraid of change. Help me go forward despite my fear. Despite my doubts. Despite their threats. The I told you sos. I have been struggling to love because my love has grown tired of speaking softly. Of being hushed. It is roaring like the thunder. It is burning like a wild fire. I am afraid of getting burnt. I am afraid of having my heart shredded to pieces. I have been struggling to bring myself to open up to them because they switch like the weather. One time they are all sunny. With sunflowers worshipping at their feet. The next moment they are a tornado. Violently destroying everything that is on their path. I have been struggling to accept that expectations lead to disappointments. That like me humans are not perfect. I have been struggling to accept that they might not be my biggest cheerleaders. Ever. Because I have chosen what they never envisioned for me. I have been struggling with accepting that there is time for everything under the sun. A time for birth. A time for death. I have been struggling with accepting that sometimes my body will fail me. Despite everything I try to get better. I have been struggling to sleep at night because everytime I close my eyes the dreams I have take me to hell. They leave me shaking, sweating, crying failing to accept that they are not real. But what if they unfold in my world? No. I have been struggling to accept that negativity is noise. I have been petting it. Brushing it's fur. Feeding it. Forgive me. I have been struggling to feel my feelings. To put them to paper for you to read. I have been struggling to accept that all is vanity. The war within is fierce. The struggle is real.

Psalms 23:4 Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: for thou art with me; thy rod and thy staff they comfort me.

Lord, In you I trust. In you I find my worth. In you I find my strength. In you I find reason to keep moving. In you I am able to embrace change. In you I move. In you I live. In you I have my being. Teach me to remain true to you Lord. Teach me to remain true to who I am. Teach to step out in faith towards the life I want each and every day. Help me forget the naysayers and focus on my growth and dreams. If you be for me what can stand against me? Nothing. In Jesus's name,

Amen.

Psalms 30:5b Weeping may endure for a night, but joy cometh in the morning.

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