Forgive as He forgave.

 Is that him? It does look like him. Wait. Yes. It is him. The bounce in his step hasn't changed. He does look more handsome. Locks tied to the back. Clean shaven. The suit fits like a glove. And who is that he's with? Must be his new woman judging from the way they keep looking at each other. She is beautiful. I look down as a tear drops from my eyes and lands right on his forehead. He tries to wipe it off with his little fingers. I help him. I hold him tight to my chest and rock him back and forth. I look up again wondering why the nurses are taking too long to offer such basic services. I remember this is Zimbabwe. Lost deep in thought. I lock eyes with him. His face turns stone cold. Bringing me back straight to earth with a thud. He entwines his fingers with his woman and they walk past us. The nurses follow him around like he is some great sensei dishing out tips on how to master life. Mxx. I roll my eyes and try to control my breathing. I look at my baby. Our baby. He is sound asleep now. Oblivious of that his father I'll never tell him about is in the room. I wonder if she knows. I wonder if she is hiding bruises under that thick layer of makeup. I wonder if her academic certificates were torn into pieces and was forced to quit her job. I wonder if she sweats in the kitchen cooking food he never ever touches. I wonder if she gets her favourite flowers delivered at home or let alone the back of her hand kissed. I wonder if she is also ridiculed each time he gets a chance to. I wonder if he laughs at her jokes as she tries to stop the tension in the house. I wonder if she's just keeping up appearances with a plastic smile. I wonder if she has been given an ultimatum to have a baby before year end or he'll leave her. I wonder if she is always pouring into his cup and is running on empty. I wonder if she is standing strong on the umfazi uyaqinisela mantra. I wonder if he really loves her and just didn't love me.

“Next!” the nurse's voice cracks through the hallway. 

I compose myself, pick up my bag and walk in. Amani immediately wakes up and his big eyes scan the room. He is weighed and given his injection. Poor little thing cries his eyes out. I put him on my back, thank the nurses and leave. I take a deep breath as I walk out of the clinic. So much for a good day.

Dear Lord, 

I thought I forgave him. Clearly I didn't. Today made me realize how much I resent him. How I resent his new woman. He forcefully took my womanhood Lord. And you let him get away with it. He paid my greedy family to shut them up. And you let him get away with it. He took me in as his wife despite that I didn't want to. And you let him get away with it. He beat me up. He called me names. He shredded the once confident woman I was to nothingness on two legs. And you let him get away with it. I can't help but wonder if she's living the life I wish I had if only that monster hadn't wormed his way into my life. And you let him get away with it. I resent her. I can't help but wonder if he is kind to her. If she is carrying his child. I resent them. I resent him. For kicking me out of his big house after getting tired of me. And you let him get away with it. Was that all I was. His little play thing. A toy. I resent him for leaving me with child and calling me a whore. And you let him get away with it. I resent him for suggesting I abort the only reason that keeps me going each day. And you let him get away with it . l don't know how to forgive him for all he has done to Amani and me. I don't know how you forgave me when I deserved a death or hell sentence. I don't understand why you let me go through all this. What I do know is great are your plans for my life. Teach me how to let go of this pain. Of this hatred. Of this low self esteem. Of the self destructive tendencies. Of comparison. The thief of all joy. Help me to start afresh. I want to reach a stage where seeing him or hearing his name doesn't trigger me. Help me Lord. Because on my own I promise I'll burn down his house just to wipe the smirk off his face. I am but only human. Forgiveness is truly devine. My life. Your will. Your way. Forgiveness and peace of mind.

Amen.

Matthew 6:14-15 [14]For if ye forgive men their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. [15]But if ye forgive not men their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses.