How do I?

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 Dear Lord,

How do I meet him on the sidewalk and control the urge to spit on his face? How do I meet him at the coffee shop and control the urge to empty every single bit of nutted muffins and lukewarm coffee from my stomach? How do I meet him at the park and continue to enjoy the beauty of the sun painting the sky as it sets? How do I meet him at the supermarket and control the urge to throw butcher's knives and ropes into the trolley without proper wheel alignment? How do I meet him at the library and control the urge to cuss loudly and aggressively risking being thrown out by the old lady with the gold tooth? How do I meet him at the bus stop and control the urge to clutch my handbag to my chest tightly and nervously? How do I meet him at church and lift my hands to you in praise? How do I meet him at work and control the urge to dispute that the customer is not always right? He is not right! Rich coming from another sinner huh? Rich coming from a broken woman huh? Definitely too unChristian huh? Yes. Definitely too unChristian. Too unChristian for wanting to throw things. Heavy things. Sharp heavy things at him. Too unChristian for wanting to wail. Grieve my womanhood. The one he forcefully took from me? Too unChristian for wanting to see him rot in jail. The one he never spent a night in because the guardians of the law are hungry? Too unChristian for wanting him to eat scraps off tables and watch me make wrench my nose as I am served with my sunny side up, bacon and cheese. To unChristian to wish my father had treated me as his daughter and not his wife? Yes? No? 

Proverbs 20:22Say not thou, I will recompense evil; but wait on the LORD, and he shall save thee.

I am failing to forgive as you forgave. I am failing to do unto him as I would like done unto me. I am failing to forget the pain he caused me. I am failing to move on. I am failing to meet him and not be triggered. I am failing to love. I am failing to cast all these burdens unto you for you care for me. More than I could ever imagine. May you please let the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be acceptable in your sight, Lord my strength and redeemer. 

Amen.

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