What I know.

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 Dear Lord,

There is a lot I honestly don't understand. There is a lot I want to ask. There is a just a lot that gets me thinking and questioning. There is clearly a lot I do not know. What I do know is I haven't been the same since I met you. What I know is I have seen my prayers being answered. Maybe not as quickly as I would love them to. But I do testify to your goodness. What I do know is on days when I feel like death could be better than this mediocre life you have encouraged me gently to press on towards the mark of my calling. I know I can kneel down pray. Cry. Cast it all to you and end up feeling I can touch the sky. I know you stick so close to me than a brother. You made me. You understand me. My deepest needs. My deepest fears. My deepest wishes. My deepest feelings. What I do know is I have been living a life full of grace. I look back and wonder how I got through what I got through. I look back and wonder how I healed from what shattered me to pieces. I look back and wonder how I have managed to stay sane all these years. I look back and wonder how I love the way I love. I look back and wonder how I got here, writing this piece. I know it has been nothing short of grace. I know I am highly favoured. Not because I am perfect. Not because I feel like praying everyday. Not because I am always kind, loving and forgiving. Not because I am worth it. I know it is because of your boundless love. The one that made Jesus die, death on a cross. Just for me. I know it is because you set me apart from my mother's womb for such a time as this. What I do know is that I am a daughter of a king. A whole ndlalifa. And earth has been groaning for a long time waiting for my manifestation. Waiting for me to get my act right. Please guide me, Holy spirit. 

John 9:25 He answered and said, Whether he be a sinner or no, I know not: one thing I know, that, whereas I was blind, now I see.

What I do know is that one day I am going to taste the sweetness of Jesus. Looking around that seems like a very tall order. Looking around it feels like my dreams will disappear into the air like a puff of smoke. Looking at the clock tick away has me thinking maybe it's a bit too late now. Looking within I know I am going to stand and testify of your goodness and mercy that chases me down all day, everyday. I know I will testify of green pastures, cups running over and laying up gold as dust. I know I will testify of generational blessings being passed down to me and generations after. I know I will testify of great health and happiness. I know I will testify of a love so pure, so gentle, so warm, so fulfilling. What I do know is you give me so much peace, so much confidence, so much to hope for and expect. What I do know is I was blind but now I see. What I do know is you hold my hand as I walk through the valley of the shadow of death. What I do know is this battle is not mine to fight. What I do know is the woman who bled touched the hem of your garment and was made whole. What I do know is you raised an orphan and Jew Esther to be queen. What I do know is you opened the wombs of the barren. What I do know is you gave Moses a second chance after he killed a man. What I do know is You are still the same God. What I do know is the blood of Jesus still works. What I know is You are just getting started in my life. Kunengi njalo kukhulu okuzayo. Makukhanye. Makwande. Makubemhlophe. In Jesus's name I pray,

Amen.


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