Siphosenkosi.

 Dear Lord,

“A child is a gift from God." I whisper with quivering lips. “A child is a gift from God." I whisper as I stare at the picture of the little human, being fashioned in my womb. “A child is a gift from God." I whisper as I shred the picture of the scan to bite sized pieces. I swear it does not feel anything close to being a blessing. It feels like a hot slap from karma. For the days I gave my father the cold stare as he held the door open for me disapprovingly in the ams. For the days I wouldn't listen to his counsel about the power of choices. For indulging in unprotected sex before marriage. For the days I thought I knew better. For actively being part of a perverse and crooked generation. Standing for nothing. Falling for everything. It's just one pint. It's just one night. It's just one round.  And now it's just one baby. “A child is a gift from God.” I whisper as I sob quietly and try to focus on breathing. I have been avoiding all silverware and mirrors today. The reflection that stares back at me sickens me. The fact that terminating this pregnancy crossed my mind, even for a second sickens me. I am selfish. I am a coward. I am a school drop out. I am a rebel. I am a liar. I am drowning in a pool of darkness. I am surely a lot of things. And now what? An unfit mother to be? I don't know how I'll face my father. I have broken his heart a million times already. I can feel myself drag him to any early grave. “A child is a gift from God." I whisper, reminding myself as I cross my legs and tap on the reed mat. Maybe just maybe he will forgive me. After all, I am his very own gift from God. How will I survive these coming nine months? The whispers. The stares. The mockery. The frowns. The big nose. I feel so terrible, yet I am reaping from every single seed I have ever sowed. 

“A mother’s joy begins when new life is stirring inside; when a tiny heartbeat is heard for the first time, and a playful kick reminds her that she is never alone.” –  Unknown

Lord, your timing is amazing. I know that this baby came just to save me from myself. I have been a walking time bomb for so long. Now you have given me reason to live. To better myself. To work and take care of this bundle of joy. I pray that you give me strength to break the news to my father. May he take it well. Be supportive. May you both be able to forgive me for all the wrong I've ever done. I know that rebellion is as a sin of witchcraft. I pray for a healthy pregnancy. I pray that you help me be an exemplary mama and a role model to my baby. May we not lack for you are our shepherd and we shall not be in want. Teach me to be consistent with discipline, be concerned with relationships than rules and to acknowledge my faults as a parent. Help me to teach him or her your ways. May he or she be sweet and obedient, the head and not the tail, gifted, intelligent and healthy. I will enjoy my child in Jesus's name,

Amen.

Jeremiah 1:5 Before I formed thee in the belly I knew thee; and before thou camest forth out of the womb I sanctified thee, and I ordained thee a prophet unto the nations.